what's new?

The last several weeks have been like a moody teenager--just when I think the hormonal shift has happened and life is going to be calm again, Ex's hormones surge and I'm left in the wake of his irrationality wondering what hit me. Do they make midol for men?

We've had a few "events" together---the 3 of us. A kid-activity that we all attended--(They showed up 90 minutes late...just sayin'), a birthday breakfast and dinner for the younger child. Nothing Jerry Springer-esque happened. We all behaved and played our parts quite nicely. Still, not my first choice of people to hang with.
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I had been feeling like I could finally exhale and relax a little since "we" are all finally fitting into our new roles with some success when the email arrived. Stunned, surprised, and not just a little bit hurt, it reminded me of who he is. The email follows. My response, which was sent days later after some serious pondering, is in blue. The award winning line is em-boldened and em-biggened, but I'm sure you could've picked it out yourself.

(remember, names have been changed to protect the guilty)
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You, Hoochie and I are stuck together for the rest of our lives, because of the kids. I don't want this to be an awkward thing every time we see each other when Hoochie and I are both there. I guess I'm not clear on what recent events have been awkward/uncomfortable. I was thinking quite the opposite. Hoochie and I ran into each other at Safeway a few weeks ago. She saw me first and got my attention and we chatted for a couple of minutes. I thought that was good, and I was glad she said something to me. Than, when you guys came to pick up the kids for hockey after Thanksgiving and I ran to show you the elephant our girl had drawn---Hoochie was great. It didn't appear that she felt awkward at all, and I know I didn't. At the swim meet I didn't pick up on awkwardness at all. Hoochie smiled at me, I smiled at her, and I said goodbye and waved before leaving. So, again, I missed the awkwardness, and I was feeling like things were going well. I did not hear either of you say even Hi to each other at the swim meet or when you stopped by to drop off the shoes. Hoochie wanted to be involved in the conversation but shared with me she was uncomfortable as you didn't seem to acknowledge her. My perception of when I was there to drop the shoes off was that she was busy decorating the tree. I didn't want to disrupt what you guys were doing, which is why I stayed by the door. It's a bit awkward for me when I'm there because it's not my house anymore, and I don't want to overstep. This doesn't need to happen. I hate this. The kids are going to pick up on this source of contention. I don't want the kids' mom and step-mom at war with each other. This doesn't make sense to me at all. I don't feel we are at war. I think our recent actions (that I shared above) demonstrate courtesy toward each other to our kids. I'm not clear on what is the "source of contention" or "at war"....I don't see that at all. They are loved by both. Hoochie will never take your place, nor does she want to. She has her own kids to take care of and adore. She is very good to our kids though and wants to help me take care of them when they are at our house because she knows how much they mean to me and wants to help me in any way possible. At some point, you need to stop thinking of us as your enemy. I actually dont' feel this way at all. I don't see you as the enemy. What I often tell the kids is how lucky they are to have more people to love and to love them. We are not out to get you. We are not trying to make your life difficult. I am working on getting you financially un-tied to me so you are not bound to me in any way financially except through DCS. Hopefully that will relieve some of your uneasiness and bitterness towards me. I will feel relieved when I have been refi'd off the house, yes. I am still sorry for the things that had happened in our marriage and the things I did to make you not trust me. I don't think that you have truly forgiven me yet, and maybe you just need more time. Until that happens, the issues with you have with me and Tina will not go away. It does go both ways though. I feel like you think you did nothing wrong at all in our marriage and I needed to do all of the changing. This is water under the bridge, and not something we need to rehash. It is nice that Hoochie has shown me what a loving spouse could be and she also has helped me to appreciate my parents again. My view of them had become skewed of them over the years with your help. I am glad to hear your relationship with your parents is being healed. God is good. I think it's a testament to how God can use any situation for His glory. Even the last time I was at your place, you were slamming my mom about the candy and the type of sugar that she had mentioned to you earlier. She is human and can make mistakes or make not thoroughly thought through comments, but she is a very gracious and kind person. I feel bad that you perceived my xylitol comment as a slam to your mom. I was attempting to be funny ---how she used to bring up xylitol all the time--anyway. It wasn't intended as a critique of your mom. She is a very gracious and kind person, indeed.
Please help us figure out a way that we can start communicating in a non threatening kind way.I am just not following this line of thinking. I have honestly been thinking that we have been communicating fine and making gains in establishing our relationship with each other---including Hoochie. I think that this will just take time to "grow" into, and that we all probably need to recognize our own insecurities in this. It's hard for all of us in different ways. Do we need to have dinner together sometime, all of us? We certainly could. I mean, the birthday dinner is Saturday, but it would be fine to meet again. We need to get through this stage in life, I agree, and I think any relationship takes time to develop. I think this is no different. if nothing else just for the kids. Any feedback to this email would be greatly appreciated. Thank You!!
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I didn't hear from him after sending this. I quite certain they must've had a falling out on the homefront and he needed someone to lash out against. All of these things are completely unfounded....but really, it's no surprise.
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For Christmas, Hoochie got me a gift. I was truly touched at the gesture. I had toyed with the idea of getting them something, but decided against it. I do, however, wonder if I need to send them a dictionary and highlight the word "Irony" for them.

The gift, which is something I love, was vinyl lettering for walls. It was the following quote:

Family: A Journey to Forever

I thanked her for the gift---and really, it IS something I love....I just find the irony of what it says and who gave it to me to be quite funny.

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Just in case---

Irony:

1. the use of words to convey a meaning that is the opposite of its literal meaning: the irony of her gift, "Family: A Journey to Forever" , given to her husband's ex-wife.

2. the incongruity of this.
2a. Incongruity: Not in agreement, as with principles

same story, different day

Nothing much to post here. I am settling into things. I no longer have to deal with Hoochie on a daily basis---or even a weekly basis---which makes it waaaay better in my mind.

Just about the time I start thinking, "Hey, maybe she isn't so bad. Maybe I was being a little overly concerned"...I find out something else about her that confirms my original suspicions about her integrity.

A mutual friend ran into ex and Hoochie in the grocery store last week. Hoochie asked friend how she was, and friend proceeded to tell how she and her boyfriend had just broken up and it was still difficult. Hoochie said....(and I paraphrase since I wasn't there to hear it from the horse's mouth) Well, what I think you need to do is get online and meet someone right away. That's what I always do.

Hmmm....reeeeeeallly?

That would explain your profile on a dating site a mere month (or maybe less) after giving birth to your fourth baby....and I'm starting to wonder if the baby daddy was another online conquest since he is no longer in the picture.

And because her family is so supportive of her recent marriage, I have to wonder if they've been taken in by her husband's upstanding image and morals. I'm guessing he appears to be leaps and bounds above the other people she has had in her life. By her own admission her ex was a sex addict (interesting, isn't it?) and baby Daddy was "no good"....now with this new info that she just seems to hop online when she needs a new beau, well, I have to wonder how often she's still trolling since her work is done from home...online. And it appears that her new husband is gone an awful lot working on his hobby.

Hmmmmm

astonished

Interesting thing happened this week.

My former mother-in-law happens to work for some people I know---or knew years ago. I used to live in the garage apartment at their home before I married Ex.

This week I went to visit and deliver a baby gift to one of the now-grown children of this family I used to live with. As my friend introduced me to her niece, she said, "This is So-and-so's daughter-in-law". I glanced at her with a weird look on my face, I'm sure.

Surprisingly, she hadn't heard about, you know, "The Situation". INTERESTING.

Why is this interesting, you ask? Well, it's because my former mother-in-law happens to be one of the biggest gossips I've met in my life. I have not known her to ever keep her mouth shut in all the years I was part of her family. Her children and their spouses know this and do not share information with her unless it is acceptable that the entire town she lives in knows. Many of her extended family knows this about her. It is a fact. So, for her to NOT share about her son and I getting a divorce----especially with the people she works with daily----is quite surprising.

One side of me wants to be impressed. It sounds impressive and honorable. I suppose it could be out of care and concern for me. But I'm fairly certain that her restrait comes from her own realization that her precious boy's choices reflect on her family negatively. And it's rather hard to be judgmental and self-righteous when the stench you smell is coming from your own trash can.
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facets of grief

As time goes by I am finding myself more and more THRILLED with my life as a single person. Even so, the reality of grief---and the areas it emcompasses---is somewhat surprising.
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I found out Hoochie's kids are now playing with the neighbors across the street. Uh..that would be MY neighbors. Across the street from MY old house. It's difficult to not feel betrayed by these neighbors even though it sounds very snotty-jr-high-girl to say that.
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My ex's parents were "on my side" when they first found out about Hoochie. They said we'd always be family. And even though I told ex's mom that she'd get over the initial shock and eventually welcome Hoochie into the family and I'd become a distant memory, I feel a bit stabbed in the heart to know that ex and Hoochie having been taking the kids to gramma's house for weekend dinners. It feels like I've been written off and that anything good I ever brought to the table has been swept into the trash bin, forgotten. They're forging a new relationship with her---out with the old, in with the new.
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I found out that today is one of ex's step daughter's birthdays. My youngest child mentioned to me that she and ex took step-daughter a special treat at school today. Hoochie didn't come. For some reason I was bothered by this. Ex was never really about doing nice, albeit unnecessary things for people. He'd be the first one to point out how wasteful niceties like balloons and flowers and a special lunch were. But apparently HER kids are worth it.
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Last weekend they took their brood to the movies. Not a big deal in and of itself, except for the fact that, again, it was a rare day when he would agree to waste money on such things. 2 adults and 6 kids (well, maybe 5 since the baby was probably free) isn't cheap. And my kids reported having movie theater junk.....cha-ching.
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There is still the feeling of the elephant in the room in many settings. I am not clear on proper etiquette in getting things out in the open. Do I just blurt out, "We're divorced, ok??" and stomp off? Do I just act like nothing is different? Do I have our story printed out on little notecards to hand out in awkward situations to alleviate any discomfort? I must say that my preference is for the people who say, "You know, I heard about you and ex and I'm so sorry." It's so much nicer to have it out there.
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A friend shared with me her husband's frustration that, "People who think divorce is "final" are crazy...it's not final when you have kids." As much as I'm sure that he meant nothing personal by his statement, I can't help but feel a bit frustrated. I DO realize divorce is not final. I DO realize that I will be forever connected to the father of my children. I DO think about every birthday, graduation, holiday, wedding....and I know that it's not final. I did not divorce my husband because of some silly fantasy of being "done" with him forever (although I'd love it if that were true) Sadly, divorcing him was the best option, which hopefully conveys how agonizing my decision was.
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So, I'm off to take a nice bubble bath and use the towels that I share with no one---and that haven't been used to wipe grease off the car's dipstick by mistake. Then I'll drink a hot cup of tea in my warm cozy, down-adorned bed with too many decorative pillows--arranged just the way I like them. And I'll smile and remember that life is good----or at least it's getting a little closer to good every "single" day.

Pros and Cons

This weekend marks the 2-month anniversary of my single-ness. It's a love/hate thing---my feelings about my life. Not completely bad, but not totally good either. Relationship purgatory---somewhere in between "recently divorced" and "wanting to marry again someday". Someone pray me out of here quick.

The cons of being here:
-continually having to answer the question "What does she look like?" when people find out about my ex's recent remarriage. (as IF it makes it acceptable if he married a supermodel.)
{He didn't.}

-having to deal with them and their insanity on a near-daily basis (this may also be considered a pro at times due to the comic relief it provides)

-having to borrow someone's husband or drill when I need to hang up a coatrack. And, no, I don't want to buy my own drill. I know how to use one, I just prefer for someone else to have that household job.

-being the only one around when a kid decides to puke in the middle of the night. (but again, I was usually the only one who actually did anything about this even when there were 2 of us around, so...no big)

-having to wonder what the appropriate amount of time is before I date again, and wondering if my friend was right when she said, "Someone will always think it's too soon, no matter how long you wait."

The pros:
-MY bed, MY decorative pillows on the bed, MY 4 pillows.....and no hairy legs scraping up against mine in the middle of the night. (admittedly, this could also be a con)

-No one else making charges out of MY bank account.

-There is more laughter in my house now...Mr. Moody isn't walking scowling all the time.

-He is not here.

-He is not here.

-He is not here.

Pure Joy

It has been pure joy lately learning how to interact with my ex-husband and his new hooch---er...I mean, wife. I am counting it joy---all joy---because that's what I am supposed to do.

I count it joy when I receive a text from Hoochie that was intended for her husband saying, "She was 1o mins late!", even though I a) was not late b) had texted her that I was on my way and c) she didn't say a word to me about it

I count it joy when I call Hoochie to ask about this misdirected text and she says, "It was a joke".....and I even feel the joy welling up inside as I say back to her--"How can that possibly be a joke? It sounded like you were tattling on me"

I count it joy when my ex lectures me on how I am "overreacting" and "blowing things out of proportion" every time I ask a question to clarify something. Apparently in the handbook they've read a clarifying question from an ex-spouse automatically equals FREAKING OUT.

I count it joy when Hoochie uses the excuse, "Well, my ex used to......" when trying to justify her irrational actions.

I count it joy when I say for the millionth time----"I'm sorry for what your ex did to you, however, I am not him (he?)and I think we can be more grown up about things"

I count it joy when she looks at me with that "The lights are on but nobody's home" look. (and I count it extreme joy when I realize that my ex has that very same look....they really are a match made in heaven)

I count it joy when my children don't ask about their dad all week because I realize that they are becoming less and less attached to this selfish, stupid man.

I count it joy when my ex calls me after church to ask me what I've told people about "our situation", and nearly burst with joy when I have to explain---speaking slowly so he can understand me----that the weird looks he was getting most likely stemmed from the fact that he walked into church with a new wife, carrying a baby carrier and walking with a brood of 6 kids......

I count it joy when I tell him that the weird looks are part of walking out HIS decision...the decision he and Hoochie were very confident in 6 weeks ago, and that his actions spoke for themselves and didn't need my embellishment in order to make people raise an eyebrow.

I consider it joy when after the above conversation his biggest concern is, "Did you tell people that YOU were the one who filed for divorce?" (and I laugh with joy inside when I realize that he actually thinks he is justified since I filed the paperwork.....legalism at its finest)

I consider it Pure, unadulterated (pun totally intended) joy when I realize that my ex husband is just that----my EX husband.

Shameless whining

The thing that will undoubtedly drive me mad about Ex being married to Hoochie is having to hear about all the things she does and is. I'm not certain he's smart enough to be doing this on purpose, but it's driving me batty nonetheless.

I listened to his discourse about the greatness that is Hoochie, squirming now and again lest the veins in my neck explode right then and there. I listened to him gleefully tell me how compatible they are, how much she LOVES his hobby, how sweet, nice, wonderful she is (he never says smart---I've noticed that word has never come up when he describes her. Heh). He went on about how much she loves to do home improvement projects, can shampoo the carpets (?!), and how she's sweet, nice, and wonderful.

I silently gag while he's rambling on like the 13 year old, hormonal imbecile he has become.

So, yesterday when he came over to see the kids and he started gushing about his little burning hunk of love, I cut him off abruptly, saying, "I am operating under the assumption that you ARE very compatible, you ARE infatuated with her, you're THRILLED with all the things you love to do with her---I totally get it. I would assume no less since you married her days after meeting her. And while I do care about your union, to the extent that MY children are affected by it, I also have to tell you that a bigger part of me really DOESN'T CARE."

After receiving his text on Saturday that they had, indeed, gotten hitched, I texted back, "As weird as this sounds, congrats to you guys. I hope with all my heart this works out for everyone." I am making every effort to be more than civil, more than cordial...I am trying to be "on his side" as much as I can. But listening to him brag about this relationship that still strikes me as a juvenile obsession based on nothing but pure animal attraction and....well, I don't know what else, is not something that I think is necessary for me to subject myself to.

After I had stopped him, he paused and said, "You know, you still have some really good qualities". {Let me be really clear here----if looks could kill, that man would be 6 feet under by now} I quickly replied, "I know I do. I have a lot to bring to the table. The fact that you didn't or couldn't appreciate me for me doesn't diminish who I am, and please don't think I need you to validate me; I'm fine."

Now, if only I really felt that way.